Crazy makers

Yesterday I was with a girlfriend who was letting go of a long-standing relationship with a man and it hurt. It reminded me so much of the year that I went through the same thing with M, that I scurried upstairs and ferreted out my diary.

I'd been angry with M and my energy healing teacher observed: 'you thought this man was a visionary; I saw he was a dreamer.' With hindsight I can see that neither is true; we were both stuck in our own despair, anger, and frustration. I prayed for guidance and felt that I had chosen to help M - he'd put out a call and I responded. My reasons for responding were full of shadows - self importance, ego, trying to be big in the world, ingratiation. And I lied to myself to hide this to my family and to M. Many veils. I wrote:

"On Friday night I diligently worked out the last weeds. Throughout the day the relationship - its beginnings, obscure little scenes, kept coming to me. As soon as I let these into the 'obsession loop' I had to turf them out. Sometimes they popped up spontaneously, sometimes they seemed called up as if I was trying to see if they still held power. I literally dug in the garden, rooting out dandelions and thistles, planting new seeds. A very curative activity! I put a rutilated quartz on the earth and dumped my thoughts there. At one point I just sat on the ground humbled and begged for mental relief.

I was taken back to the beginning of the relationship, and how I needed to fill an emotional empty space. I filled it with long, anguished, angst-ridden, gossip-spiked moans about my relationship. I got my needs met when M was also angst-ridden, gossip-spiked etc. However, if the power is siphoned away, it can't be used to build a strong emotional connection with my beloved.

I broke the lentils jar, and as it shattered, cut my left thumb and wrist. My son heard me and came into the kitchen and got a bandaid for me. He then announced: "I'm going to cook dinner Mummy, just tell me what to do." I mopped up the glass and tied an apron around his waist. He got the pasta from the fridge, put a pot of water on the stove, and made Angel Delight. I sat down and moaned, "do Mommys get to cry? What I really need is a hug." And my children put their arms around me and hugged me until I was full of little-people hugs.

For the past couple nights my dreams have been wakeup dreams - where I'm straining to open my eyes while I'm dreaming. At 3.3oam I called myself out of sleep with the imperative: 'Wake up Cynthia!' It's as if someone called to me from the room itself to wake me up.

I send M love and light and peace as we part, and always wish him well. I say to myself this little poem I've created: Light, come to me, transform this negativity; peace come to me, transform this negativity; love come to me, transform this negativity. Bring Light, Peace, and Love to me, to him."

The transformation that came into my home & family after I let M go into his destiny was radical. We each held a piece of the other's energies, and could not move on. I think what I instinctively did that day was a shamanic soul retrieval, but it felt like I was going nuts. Truly, the funny-farm looked like a safe haven. Was I competent to be in charge of children? I asked myself. Now I'm glad I had the courage to do the work, instead of burying my pain. I used that energy to help create a new life.